I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
