Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
