I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
