everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
2020 sucks, I want a refund
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
