my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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