do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
