Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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