in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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