I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
