Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
