And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
i believe in u and ur pee
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
