Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize
