Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
