So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
