he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Randomize
