We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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