His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
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After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
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When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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