i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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