It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
