Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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