Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
