your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
