I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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