hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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