She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
