I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
