Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
