I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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