yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
