1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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