I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
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