I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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