I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
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