Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
