she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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