Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
