Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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