I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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