Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
