I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
