I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
