I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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