I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
