your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
