Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
