her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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