hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
