i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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