Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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