we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Randomize
