Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
