I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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