what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
