Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
