I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize