Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
