On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Randomize
