Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
