I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
