btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I am full of burrito and curiosity
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
