I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
