Need sex. Gaining weight.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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