my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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