Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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