update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
